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  The Story of Junk

  A Novel

  Linda Yablonsky

  FOR PAT

  AND

  FOR DAD

  For, while the tale of how we suffer, and how we are delighted, and how we may triumph is never new, it always must be heard. There isn’t any other tale to tell, it’s the only light we’ve got in all this darkness.

  JAMES BALDWIN, “SONNY’S BLUES”

  PART ONE

  KNOCK KNOCK

  New York City March 1986

  KNOCK KNOCK

  There’s a simple knock on the door, nothing special.

  “Who’s there?”

  “Mailman,” comes the answer. “Special delivery.”

  I open the door. Why did I open the door?

  I see a mailman, six-foot, barrel chest, receding blond, blue eyes. No mail.

  “Is your name Laura?”

  “No, you must have the wrong apartment.” I start to close the door. It’s afternoon but I’m in my pajamas, rags I sleep in. I like to sleep in rags.

  “Just a moment.” He pushes back the door. “Your name’s not Laura?”

  “No,” I say. “It isn’t.”

  He takes a folded letter from a trouser pocket, opens it. I’m staring at his shoes, scuffed, pointy-toed, buff-colored western boots. Do mailmen wear western boots?

  “Is this—?” He gives the address, the apartment number.

  “Yes, but there must be some mistake.”

  “This is the right address but you’re not Laura?”

  “That’s right. I’m not.”

  “Is this your apartment?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, who are you then?” Before I can make a reply, he pushes the door open wide. “Never mind. Federal agents, D.E.A. Step back, please. We’re coming in.”

  Now there’s a gun in his hand. He shoulders past me into the hall. Behind him, four men in plain clothes—no, five—are coming up the stairs. There’s a woman, too, blonde, petite with a ponytail, wearing a tweed blazer. I see many hands on holstered guns.

  I shrink back inside. My head is spinning. I sit at a table in the living room.

  A man with a chin cleft, in a suit and trenchcoat, carefully reads me my rights. I stare at the floor. My cats are looking back at me, one gray fluffball, two tigers. I look away.

  “Can I see some identification?” I ask. I’m stalling. I sound like a child.

  The man in the trenchcoat shows me his badge and ID. While the others station themselves around the room, study walls, and peek out windows, I scrutinize the ID’s photo and particulars without comprehension. My eyes won’t focus. I see only “Drug Enforcement Agency.” This one’s name is … Dick.

  “Now, what is your name?” Dick asks. He speaks softly. He’s very patient.

  I have to spell it out. It’s painful. I’m not alone. A friend with whom I share this apartment is sitting speechless on my bed.

  “Ladies, you’re under arrest for the sale of narcotics, a federal offense,” Dick announces. “We know you’ve been dealing heroin here. We’ve made several buys through an intermediary. Is there anything you’d like to say?”

  “No.” My friend shakes her head, pets one of the cats.

  “All right, I have to ask one question: do you have any heroin here now?” The female agent and two of the men surround me at the table. Hands are still on guns. I’m in my pajamas. I might as well be naked.

  “We’ll have to search your apartment,” Dick says.

  “You have a warrant?” I’m all attitude. Do I think this is TV?

  “No,” he admits. “We don’t have a warrant, but it won’t be difficult to get one. It’ll take about an hour, maybe two, and we’ll stay right here till it arrives.”

  Then we’ll wait, I say to myself. To the cops, I say not a word.

  “Do you have any heroin in your possession?” Dick says again.

  In another room off the kitchen, the tiny room that is my office, several grams of Pakistani brown, brought by the regular mailman, are sitting on a table-shelf in front of a scale. I’d been waiting for one of my better customers. Was he the rat? That one? You can never trust a junkie. I should have known.

  My new source was here minutes before, left with all my money. In my pocket I’m holding nearly an ounce of his China White.

  The woman agent makes a move toward me. I stand up, reach in my tattered pocket, hand a plastic sandwich bag over to Dick. It’s not my lunch; it’s my life.

  The woman pats me down lightly, with nervous hands. She’s more scared than I am. A rookie, I guess. They sent me a rookie. I almost laugh.

  Dick looks at the bag, eyes its contents: white rocks the size of mothballs, loose powder at the bottom. It’s the best stuff money can buy—pure. I’ve only had a taste. It’s still in my nose.

  “Okay, good,” Dick says. A lock of dark hair falls over his eyes. They’re gray. No, they don’t have a color. “Do you have any more heroin in this apartment?” It’s five rooms, light and airy, good location.

  Miserably, I sink into a chair. “In there,” I say, nodding toward the office. “You’ll find it.”

  Unlike the rest of the place, the office is dark and gloomy, its floor worn out by heavy traffic. In three years I’ve had to retile it twice.

  Dick sends the mailman to check it out. The others pair off to begin their search, but all that seems to interest them is our record collection—it’s vintage.

  “Please,” I say dumbly. “Can I ask you not to make a mess?” As if I’ll be there later and have to clean it all up.

  “No problem,” Dick says cheerfully. “We’re not like your city cops. You’re lucky you got us.”

  “Yeah,” I say. “Lucky.”

  “Someday you’ll thank me for this,” he predicts.

  “Not real soon,” I say.

  He laughs, says we can all relax. “She’s cooperating.” I freeze up.

  When the mailman-cop returns with my Pakistani in his hand, Dick takes me in the office. He closes the door, seats himself at my desk. I take the plain wooden folding chair beside it that has always been the customer’s. I’ve never sat in it before myself.

  I look around. The scale is gone, the mirrors and the razors, the straws. I glance at the bookshelves extending up the opposite wall, and quickly look away. My remaining cash is hidden there, between the pages of several old books. I wonder if they’ve found it.

  “So,” says Dick. “How did a nice girl like you end up in a dirty business like this?” He gives me a silly grin.

  “Look, I’m just a junkie, that’s all.” My shoulders sag. “Anyone can be a junkie.”

  “That so?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I wonder.”

  “It’s the truth,” I say. It is.

  “How does it happen?” he asks. “I’m just curious.”

  “It happens, that’s all.”

  He tells me they’ve been watching me for several weeks, intercepting my mail, tapping the phone, making small buys. He asks if I keep my old phone bills. I do, I don’t know why. Collecting was never my thing. The phone is ringing now, incessantly. We let it ring.

  I stand up and reach for a cardboard briefcase on a shelf above Dick’s head. “All my bills are here,” I tell him. “Take your pick.”

  He lays a few pages on the desk and looks them over. I see a puzzled expression cross his face, disappointment.

  “I never made any phone calls,” I explain. “Everyone always called me.” Same as they’re doing now. Won’t these peopl
e ever learn? The answering machine clicks and clicks, pleading voices asking if I’m home, when they can come over.

  Dick cocks an ear, looks up from the bills. “You never made any calls? Then how’d you get your stuff?”

  “It knocked on the door, like you.”

  “Come on.”

  “It did,” I tell him.

  It did.

  Dick’s still in his coat. He shifts in his seat. Can’t tell his age, maybe forty. “I want to tell you something,” he says, fingering the cleft in his chin, milky smooth, no stubble. “I can’t make any promises, but I can almost guarantee, from what we’ve got here, right now you’re looking at five to fifteen years in a federal prison.”

  Five to fifteen? I’m thinking, that means two, maybe three, if I’m good. I can’t stand it. I stop thinking.

  He asks if I know a certain guy—what should I call him? Angelo.

  “Angelo who?” I say.

  “Angelo something.”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Listen,” Dick says. Still patient, very deliberate, he tells me all about Angelo, a smuggler. He’s been on this Angelo a long time but the guy keeps slipping away. Dick knows more about him than I do. He peers at me, searching my face, then the phone bills, then again my poker face. “Is Angelo a friend of yours?”

  “I don’t know who you mean.”

  “You know who I mean.”

  “Who set me up?”

  “You can figure that out for yourself.”

  “I haven’t got any idea.” Actually, I have several, all of them wrong. I must’ve been too greedy, I think. Never be greedy, a supplier once told me. When you start to get greedy, it’s the beginning of the end.

  “You weren’t that surprised to see us, were you?” Dick inquires.

  “Of course I was!” I nearly shout. “I mean, I knew this day might come. I just didn’t think it would be today.”

  “So, why’d you let us in?”

  “I thought you were the mailman!”

  He chuckles. “That was a good trick, wasn’t it?” He offers me a smoke. It’s not my brand and I demur. He lights one for himself, has one of the other agents bring me one of my own.

  “You’re not very tough,” Dick says.

  “Not at all,” I agree. I feel nauseous.

  “So, how’d you and Angelo meet?”

  I don’t answer. I can’t. I look at the phone bills as if they’re the Dead Sea Scrolls, cryptic and exalted.

  “I have to ask you again: is this Angelo someone you know?”

  “Maybe. I know a lot of people.” I take a drag on my cigarette, drag deep. Dick looks at me, I look at the bills. “Angelo,” I reflect. “I do know an Angelo,” I say then. “I don’t know if he’s the one you mean.”

  “You get stuff from him, this Angelo?”

  Time stops. There’s no sound anywhere, no blood rushing in my ears, no sign from God, just heroin seeping through my pores. I need a bath. I need an out. There isn’t one.

  “Isn’t Angelo your source for heroin?”

  “I can’t believe this is happening.” My voice is small. Is it my voice?

  Dick shakes his head. “Everyone says that,” he tells me. “Every time. What about Angelo? You might as well tell me. It’s going to come out, one way or another, in the end.”

  Will it?

  “Yes,” I say then, my voice smaller still. “Angelo.”

  It’s over.

  I’m going to kick dope in a cell. I can’t believe this is happening.

  “Who else is there?” Dick asks.

  “Nobody.”

  “No one else?”

  “No.”

  I think of all the “guys” who’ve sat in this seat over the last four or five years, the runners and stumblers, the dealers and smugglers, the Angelos and Franks and Eds, the Moes and Vinnies. Good-looking guys, fat guys, wasted guys; teachers, artists, carpenters, fathers: junkies. Nobodies.

  “So, how did you and Angelo meet?”

  “I don’t remember. Junkies have a way of finding each other.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Listen,” I say. “I’m no criminal. I’m addicted, I have a habit, and it’s bad. I admit it. I get stuff for myself and sell some of it to my friends. Otherwise I couldn’t afford it.” Why am I talking like this? I can’t stop talking. It must be the dope, the good pure dope. It isn’t me. This isn’t me. I don’t do this. I’ve never done anything like this in my life.

  “I don’t expect you to give up your friends,” Dick tells me. He looks sincere. “I’m not asking you about your friends. I can understand your wanting to protect them. But let me tell you what’s going to happen next. When we’re done here, we’ll take you and your roommate to our office uptown and book you. You’ll be fingerprinted and have your picture taken. We’ll have to fill out some papers. Then we’ll put you in handcuffs and take you down to Centre Street, to be arraigned. If you need a lawyer, the court will appoint one. This is a serious charge. I want you to understand how serious. Do you understand?”

  “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  “All you junkies seem to be on the same wavelength,” he sighs. “You all think getting caught is your whole problem. It’s never the junk, it’s the law that’s the problem. The law and the police. Is that how it is?”

  I say, “It’s a form of sickness.”

  “Do you want a doctor?”

  A doctor? For years I’ve been the doctor, a medical dispenser. Not a crook.

  “If you want a doctor, I can get you one. But let me ask you: if it was Angelo I was talking to now, do you think he’d be protecting you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Is Angelo a friend?”

  “In a way.”

  “I don’t think so. Do you know where he is?”

  “No,” I say. “This Angelo doesn’t live in New York.”

  “Where then?”

  “I don’t know!” I insist. “I don’t know where he is and I don’t know where he lives. The guy shows up when he feels like it.”

  “Where do you get your stuff otherwise?”

  “The street.” I’m lying. I don’t know if Dick believes me. He has to.

  “When do you think you’ll see Angelo again?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything from him in quite a long time.” I don’t have to lie about this.

  The phone rings again, the machine picks it up. It’s Angelo.

  Dick’s eyes dart to the phone. His lips part as Angelo identifies himself, names his hotel. Says to call him.

  Dick gets to his feet, straightens his tie. “We’re finished here,” he says. “Time to go.”

  I’m to make the call to Angelo, but not from this apartment. Dick lets me go in the bathroom to dress. The woman agent watches. I peel off my rags and pull on a sweater, climb into faded black jeans. There’s dried blood spattered all over the bathroom walls. I’ve never noticed it before.

  Dick takes my elbow and draws me to the door. He’s going to forgo the handcuffs.

  “Just pretend we’re your dates,” he jokes.

  “Yeah, right,” says my friend. “You look exactly like the kind of guys we’d go out with.”

  The mailman-cop climbs behind the wheel of an unmarked car parked at the curb outside. It’s brown and has a hole in the muffler. The driver’s name is Tim. Dick puts me in back with my friend. She looks through me. I keep my eyes on the road.

  We’re going uptown by way of Tenth Avenue, under the ruin of the West Side Highway. It fronts the Hudson River and shields the greater city from view. Fire-ravaged piers stretch up the water side; transvestite hookers walk the other, past leather bars, auto-body shops, boarded-up warehouses, rusting diners. The sun looks cold on the water, traffic is light. Hardly any tourists at the Circle Line boat docks. Nobody talks much. We’ve seen it all before.

  At Tenth and Fifty-seventh, we pull up before a white stone monolith too many floors to count, windows of
blackest glass. “We made awfully good time,” I observe.

  “After you,” says Dick. We get out of the car.

  They take us in by a back door on Fifty-eighth adjoining a Pontiac showroom. “I figure you girls might not want anyone to see you,” Dick explains. “Am I right?” Yeah, right. The mailman giggles. They shuffle us into a freight elevator big enough to carry a tank. I wonder how they would be treating us if we happened not to be “girls”?

  The elevator opens on a long, well-lit corridor lined with dull white doors you need a code and ID card to enter. The last mile, I think. We walk it. Halfway down, the mailman slides his card through a gatekeeper, punches its keys. No doors open.

  He punches the keypad again and a moment later we’re in a large windowless gray room, empty but for a Steelcase desk, three wooden swivel chairs, and a drafting-table-sized fingerprint stand next to an industrial aluminum sink. Dick moves us into an adjoining room, toward a camera on a tripod opposite a wall hung with white no-seam paper. All the walls need paint.

  A female agent moves behind the camera. She’s only a few feet away but seems almost beyond vision, blurred. She jokes, “Which is your good side?”

  “The inside,” I say. I’m holding a slate clapboard with my name and a number on it under my chin.

  I glare into the camera. White clamp lights glare back. I wonder if I should smile.

  Dick sits me down at the desk. I have to sign papers now. One says I understand the charges against me: possession and sale of Schedule One narcotics. Another paper is, in Dick’s words, “a kind of waiver.” He asks me for my father’s name, address, and phone.

  I shriek. “You’re not going to tell him about this, are you?” My father has no idea. This’ll kill him.

  “Nah. Not unless we have to.”

  “Have to?”

  “In case something happens while you’re in custody.”

  My eyes grow wide. “In case something happens? What’s going to happen?”

  “Nothing, probably. But you never know. This is just in case.”

  I fill in my brother’s name. My father’s moved, I don’t know his address. I sign, feeling helpless.

  The mailman-cop enters carrying my bag of pure, marked as evidence. It’s the last time I’ll ever see it; I feel like waving goodbye. Instead, I swallow. Hard. I’m sweating, the dope’s wearing off, I’m going to cry. I look at my friend. She’s pissed.